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Of the spiritual practices I teach on, few inspire a stronger response than Sabbath-keeping. Most people love it, or hate it. Well, maybe not hate it. Perhaps it’s more that they are convinced that it would be impossible in their season of life (no matter what that season is). Others were injured by Sabbath legalism in the past and completely reject it. But a few have discovered its life-giving rhythms and are eager to share about how much they love taking a day of rest, and how it has transformed them spiritually. Others, unfortunately, look at me quizzically when I mention Sabbath, because they have no idea what I’m talking about. Just this weekend, I was speaking at a retreat. A mom of two young children told me she would love to practice Sabbath but she simply cannot because her children are just two and four, too young. I told her she could easily practice Sabbath, if she were willing to revise what she thought that meant, and adapt it to her season of life. And to start the journey with small steps. For example: Sabbath actually begins at sundown, the night before. So if she were to make a regular practice of going to bed early on Saturday night, that would be a step toward making Sabbath restful. If she got a good night’s rest on Saturday night, got up and went to church with her family, that would be nearly half a Sabbath, spent in rest and worship. And that would be a good starting point. Because getting a two and four year old out the door for church might even feel like work, part of her Sabbath practice might be to ask her husband to partner with her in getting the children up, fed and dressed. She wouldn’t have to do a whole day of prayer and Bible study or sitting doing nothing. From there, she could slowly, over time, stop doing things she doesn’t like to do (like laundry or running errands), and start doing things she does like to do (like cuddling with her kids or reading the Sunday paper). She could add to the practice of sleeping and attending church a few simple rituals—adding them one at a time, slowly, as she explored the practice. For example, she could ask her husband to give her a half hour to go for a walk alone, or sit in a comfy chair and read. She could nap when her children napped. She could teach her children to put their plates in the dishwasher so she wouldn’t have to do dishes. (And yes, a four-year-old can learn to rinse and put his plastic plate and cup in the dishwasher! The two-year-old might need some help—but should be invited to do some small part of it.) I hope I planted the seed of vision in her mind, but she seemed to think that since it wasn’t an entire day of rest, it wouldn’t count, somehow. How about you? Do you practice Sabbath? I am working on a book on Sabbath—we are in the editing stage. One thing this book needs is the perspective of a few more real people. So, if you have opinions or experience on Sabbath, I’d love to hear from you, as soon as possible. You can simply reply to this e-mail, or post a comment on www.keriwyattkent.blogspot.com. Here’s what I’d like to know: When you were growing up, were there certain activities that were prohibited or encouraged on Sundays? Which denomination or tradition were you a part of? Maybe you grew up in a tradition where Sunday meant going to church twice (morning and evening) and a day of prohibitions in between (no playing, no work, no movies, no shopping). What was required, what was prohibited? Do you take a Sabbath? What do you do or not do on that day? How is your Sabbath similar or different from the Sundays of your childhood? Are your weekends busy, or relaxed? Perhaps you rest on either Saturday or Sunday and just have never applied the label “Sabbath” to those days. Does your church support your desire to have a day of rest? How about your family? I really would like to hear your stories, and I’m hoping I can include a few in the book. But if you want to share, do it right away. I need to hear from you in the next couple of days, if possible.
Although my children are not yet adults, I found myself fascinated by the opening story in this book—about a SWAT team’s raid on the author's adult son’s apartment. Once I started reading, I couldn’t put it down. And I wanted to tell you about it right away. As I read her painfully honest and yet hopeful story about the her own struggles, and her wise advice for parents who have, perhaps unwittingly, enabled their adult children to avoid growing up, I had two big ideas. First, there are a ton of parents who need to read this book. I have many friends with children on the cusp of adulthood, and the transition is not an easy one. Allison writes with hard-hitting honesty about the role enabling parents play, how to change the patterns, and the power of forgiveness. She offers six practical steps for parents to take in regaining sanity. For example, she writes, “For those of us who have our own personal issues with violated boundaries, enabling really kicks in when we become parents, as we often develop a myopic focus on helping our children, spouses and others—anything to keep from looking at our own lives.” She writes honestly about her own struggles, her own wounds, her own tendencies to enable her son. I love that she is not handing down advice from on high, but from the trenches and struggles. The second thing I kept thinking was: how do I live right now with my kids, who will be 12 and 14 this month, to set them (and me) up for healthy boundaries in the future? How do I avoid enabling them as adults? What I landed on is that I have to not enable them now. One thing Allison wisely reminds us is that we should not be doing for our children what they can do for themselves. I think that’s true at any age. I’ve written about chores in this newsletter and my blog before. I realized after reading Allison’s book that having my kids do their own laundry serves a much higher purpose than just giving me a break. They are learning to be self-sufficient—which is a big part of having good boundaries. My kids began dressing themselves at about age 2 or 3. Now, they didn’t always look perfect. But having children who look perfect was not the goal. Having confident children who experienced the self-esteem that comes from accomplishments (rather than coming from just empty praise) was the goal. But I did not do for them what they could do for themselves. By age 4, they knew that when a meal was done, they took their plate, cup and utensils, and cleared them from the table. Now, how does this fit in with our theme this month of Sabbath? Well, the connection is a loose one, I’ll admit. But I believe Sabbath sets a boundary. In fact, keeping the Sabbath holy means making it a day set apart, with boundaries around it—a day where we say no to certain things, to say yes to God. And it is easier to have a day of rest when a mom has set boundaries to make sure she is not the only person in her home who is doing any housework or cooking! Sabbath establishes a rhythm of life, brings order to the chaos. It provides a life-giving boundary in our lives. If you’d like to read more books specifically on Sabbath, check my newsletter archives for reviews of The Rest of God by Mark Buchanan, and Sabbath by Wayne Muller. I’d also recommend Sabbath Keeping by Lynne Baab, and Receiving the Day by Dorothy Bass. For reviews of the latest books in Christian Publishing visit www.bookbargainsandpreviews.com
Take some time to journal about the following: when you hear about Sabbath-keeping, what spiritual longings or doubts rise to your mind? What stands in the way of your having a day of rest—is it your over-booked schedule, your lack of boundaries, your fear? What would it take to begin to move toward a life-giving rhythm of Sabbath Simplicity? Speaking
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March 2008
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Setting
Boundaries with Your Adult Children
