Heart to Heart with Cheri

Hi, readers. My husband Holmes and I are on our way (if the plane gets fixed; we’re almost four hours late now leaving DFW after spending time on the tarmac and deplaning) to Michigan to do a retreat for moms called “Breathe…” at Portage Lake. Last week it was a highlight to gather with other people in my home city of Dallas, Texas, on last Thursday’s National Day of Prayer gathering. Since we’ve lived in Oklahoma City for most of our marriage and participated in NDP events there, it was my first time to get to be at a prayer service for Dallas, for our nation with Texans from all walks of life under a big white tent (good thing; we’d had torrential downpours and storms).

Here’s something I’ve been thinking about lately: There’s a quest for “perfect mommydom” and so much pressure on mothers today because we are a society obsessed with perfection. There is pressure from without and pressure from with, like one mother of three girls said, “Everything I do I’m a perfectionist—I want to be a great mom, the best teacher. But I feel overwhelmed and stressed out a lot. I feel responsible for everything.”

But it’s not just moms who feel the pressure to be perfect. There’s a crushing pressure from the media and culture for perfection, particularly physical. In only a few minutes at Barnes & Noble bookstore recently I saw these feature articles in different magazines: *Perfect Skin Tips *Perfect Flat Abs *The Perfect Jeans for Your Body *Tips for a perfect relationship with your husband!  *Discover the Perfect Little Black Dress *Fake, flawless skin with the perfect foundation (I particularly thought that one was interesting: fake, perfect, flawless? Get real…)

There’s the pressure to be Super-Woman who races through her to-do list faster than a speeding bullet…and says, “Yes, I’ll run the parent-teacher organization, head up a new project at work; I can host the school trip, make cupcakes for a church event, teach Sunday school, look great and be the perfect mom! The down-side is, she’s super-exhausted, and may end up feeling guilty that she didn’t do more or that people didn’t appreciate her. This is a recipe for depletion, disconnection & discouragement.

Can we let go of the compulsive striving for perfection? The perfect parent/perfect child idea is a myth anyway. God is the only One who’s perfect and look how much trouble He had with His kids, Adam and Eve! If we have out-of-reach, unrealistic expectations for our children, they’ll fall short, and our husbands won’t be able to measure up either. I heard one husband say, “My wife is so busy trying to make me into the father of the year and husband of the year there’s no chance to just be or for her to enjoy me.”

Did you know that perfectionism affects our spiritual life and can even be a major roadblock to a vibrant connection with God? “Spirituality involves first seeing ourselves truly, as the paradoxical and imperfect beings that we are,” is a profound thought from The Spirituality of Imperfection [Check out this issue’s book review]. It’s actually the embracing of imperfection not the trying to act perfect that draws us to God. Remember the story of the Pharisee and the sinner in Luke 18:9-14? Please read this important passage and think about how it relates to our topic! Saints of old tells us that “from flawedness flows the need for help”—help for what we can’t face or accomplish alone. In seeking God’s help, we accept and admit our own powerlessness, that we are not God (first step in AA or for any human being’s recovery), and that we are not in control. That’s when true spirituality and connection with God begins.

What are some ways we can avoid the pitfalls of perfectionism? These are just a few thoughts; I admit I’m only scratching the surface, here, but I’d love to hear your insights and feedback on this subject, readers!

A good place to start is to reject the myth of perfection and embrace your imperfection and the imperfection of those around you. Rather than aiming for perfection in our children and our parenting skills and then being very disappointed when we or they don’t meet those expectations, we can depend on God’s grace to be the parent your children need, keep asking God for wisdom, and be thankful when our kids’ behavior makes us happy! (This also applies to being a grandparent, wife, sister or friend).

Avoid the compulsive drive for perfection. The pursuit of excellence is great but when it becomes a drive for perfection it can become unhealthy. When perfectionist parents put pressure on their kids, they tend to become little perfectionists who are excessively driven, become prisoners of their own expectations, and even wind up underachieving. (Check out my book Raising Motivated Kids for some helpful, positive stuff on this). Help your children accept that we’re humans who will make mistakes even when we’re trying our best, and let them hear you acknowledge your failures without acting like it’s the end of the world (“Oh, I goofed on that project, but it’s okay. I can figure out a different way to make it work”). Asking forgiveness when you blow it provides a great role model of humility and honesty.

Consider praying a prayer such as, “God, have mercy on me” instead of judging or comparing yourself to others.

And finally, but not less importantly--Cultivate a sense of humor. In a stressful moment, it’s difficult to laugh about your mistakes. But humor can help overcome the drive for perfection and help us manage in our stress-filled world. It allows us to laugh in a friendly way at our mistakes and avoid become overly serious about everything that happens. Humor and laughter are good for the brain and one of the best stress-relievers God gave us.

 

          

Book Give-A-Way

This month we are giving away a free copy of Loving Your Spouse Through Prayer. If you'd like to enter to win a free copy, send an us an email at cf@pcpublications.org with response to the following:

If you're feeling driven, examine what's driving you: is it coming from a healthy or an unhealthy place? Are you driven by an inside or outside pressures? OR How have you found to deal with drivenness in your life? Please share your thoughts with other readers on one or more of these questions! We will share some of your responses in June's eNews. Please include your name and address in case you are the winner!
 

Quotes to Ponder

I love quotes and have gathered them over the years. I hope you enjoy these quotes to ponder as well:

"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone. "            --Reba McEntire

"The world is full of happiness and plenty to go round, if you are only willing to take the kind that comes your way. The whole secret is in being pliable."          --Daddy-Long-Legs, Jean Webster, 1912

"You can’t expect two stars to drop in the same field in one lifetime."

                             --Mary Poppins, P.L. Travers, 1934

                                                  

Book  Review

The Spirituality of Imperfection: Storytelling and the Search for Meaning
by Ernest Kurtz and Katherine Ketcham
$18.00

I’m really indebted to my insightful daughter Ali for introducing me to The Spirituality of Imperfection. This book, which also comes highly recommended by Anne Lamott, author of Traveling Mercies, is well worth reading. It gathers the wisdom stories of many traditions and faiths from the ancients to Alcoholics Anonymous, founded in the 1950’s. It in a time of relentless pursuit of perfection, The Spirituality of Imperfection is like a breath of fresh air. It shows us that to deny our own imperfection is to deny our own humanity. Here are some thoughts from the book: “The spirituality of imperfection begins with the recognition that trying to be perfect is the most tragic human mistake. In direct contradiction of the serpent’s promise in Eden’s garden, the book Alcoholics Anonymous suggests, “First of all, we had to quit playing God,” which is also the first step towards peace and serenity (p. 5). “The arch-foe of spirituality has been recognized to be ‘denial’—the self-deception that rejects self by attempting to repudiate the essential paradox that is our human be-ing…” “We are always and inevitably incomplete, on the way, slipping and sliding, making mistakes. But the ancient voices insist that this is not failure” (p. 19) because it leads us closer to God, to crying out to Him for help, for trusting and depending on Him instead of ourselves.

A thought-provoking and interesting read, The Spirituality of Imperfection is an anthology of great stories and will make you think. And that’s worth the cost of the book.

You can purchase this book for $18.00 by using our special order form or by visiting your local bookstore.